Back with the Awkward Diaries

Hi everybody! I know it’s been a long time but I’m back with my blog in 2011, thank Christ! I’ve been mulling over what to write for ages considering the following:

• The drafts in my folder are taking forever to complete, mainly because they’re loaded with juicy details- watch out for them because they’re too good not to complete, I’m just a bit blocked in regards to them at the moment.

• I am in the process of starting a uni degree, so I have a new hunting ground I need to scope out for new gorgeous types while still keeping some of my wickedly fun playmates (RSH, I’m talking to you honey )

• I’ve had to sever a few ties in the past few months, due to random acts of fucking disgraceful behaviour, which is surprisingly not on my part. I have since cut RocknRolla adrift, the reason being that his version of ’keeping his options open’ was cracking onto a few of my friends behind my back and just being plain creepy. I could go on as there is more behind it, but the whole activity just makes me rage. While I’m not hating on the single folk by any means (duh, I’m one of them), there’s a reason he’s single and it rides on his aformentioned creepiness and generally just being painfully boring. Also Hentz, mainly because he’s a drug-fucked depressive mess. While I really want to care for him and show him that the world isn’t a toxic pit of hopelessness where drugs are the only thing that can help you cope, it’s truly difficult when your help is neither wanted, appreciated, listened to or even just plain fucking acknowledged. And I don’t need that shit in my life thanks. Yan is included in this list, mainly for being a drug-fucked pathetic mess also but then again, I wasn’t terribly interested in him. He started the needy, whiny ‘Why didn’t you notice me when I flirted with you ages ago?’ shit again. In the words of John Mellencamp, I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy, and he just doesn’t fit the bill. At all. I’ll stick to my vibrator thanks.

• There’s been no normal swing-of-things for ages because I’ve been on a well earned break, which includes going to parties, hanging out with friends, housesitting and just generally relaxing. Sorry to be selfish, but I’m back now and ready to tap out some sexual pearls of wisdom once more!

• I haven’t been with anybody in three months because of most of the above, ergo I don’t really have any new adventures to share. I’ve been in a state of celibacy for about 3 months, partly out of choice but mostly out of being that frigging busy I can barely concentrate on my libido, hehehe!

Now, clearing just one thing from one of my previous posts up, I now consider myself as not being a virgin anymore, the reason being that I had penetrative sex of course. I was mainly worried because I thought I’d fucked up a good thing with RocknRolla before it had started by having amazing but nonetheless random sex with Hentz when I specifically told him I was a virgin. In a nutshell, it was a case of ‘Oh fuck, what have I done???’ However, considering I never want to see the former ever again and am on shaky ground with the latter, I’m comfortable with having misplaced my royal cherry .

Since that’s settled, you’re probably wondering what the hell I’m going to write about since I’ve been pretty much celibate for three months. How do the celibate folk write a sex blog? Well, one common factor I’ve noticed in the bulk of the sex blogs I read is that they rarely touch upon one vital thing:

SEX IS AWKWARD.

Not all sexual experiences no, but when you’re starting out with different things and learning different techniques, then yes, it’s totally awkward. I am in the same boat as the lovely Amie Wee (adorable!) when I say that growing up, my sexual education was, best put, sparse.

Of course I was taught the basics: “A man puts his penis in a vagina and if it doesn’t have a condom on it then BOOM! STI, a baby or both.” Pretty much. Nothing about anal sex. Nothing about oral sex. Nothing on gay sex. Sweet bugger all on sex toys, squirting, polyamory, gender identity, BDSM or even lubricant. Lubricant! One of the basics as far as I’m concerned; the slipperier sibling of condoms/dams. A few of my peers are STILL convinced that if a girl’s wet, she’s ‘good to go’ and that lube does nothing. They’re my age.

So, in case you’re wondering, I turned to books (kindly left to me by my parental units), porn, sealed sections in Dolly, Girlfriend, Cleo and Cosmo and even the odd episode of Sex and the City, all in the sole pursuit of finding out what the big hoohah was about sex. Soon, it was the sex blogs, and they opened up my knowledge even more. During all that, I jacked off so many times over until it came up to the real deal. But nothing, not the porn, books, seal sections, blogs or Sex and the City told me what Muffler from Another Gay Movie (so, so funny!) put so eloquently-

“Sex can be messy, kids. Full of penis drippings and ill-timed queefage and 31 flavours of genital cheese.”

Which is why I bring you this. My Awkward Diaries, or A Complete List of My Sexual Mishaps. I know there are virgins who browse my blog so there’s probably the odd researcher who wants to try something but has no idea to go about it. I’m not trying to be pompous and make myself out to be Belle du Jour or Mata Hari ie a sexual adventurer who has seen it all and done it all, but perhaps it might help the odd one out there to see that we all have our awkward moments during sexytimes, and here are mine.

Enjoy and hopefully learn.

The Awkward Diaries: Sucking Cock

I’ve started with this because with varying degrees, I still have problems with it. Not the actual ‘getting-into-the-headspace-of-doing-it’ part because I love it. I love wrapping my mouth around that hard hunk of flesh like a little coy slut.

However, that’s not to say I’m the best head giver in the world. I’m truly not, however I do make up for it in enthusiasm. The thing is one thing stand in between me and a wonderful cock waiting to be sucked. My gag reflex. My pain-in-the-arse gag reflex. I hate it. I hate it because every time I try to go deep, my eyes water and my throat constricts, causing me to gag. When I come up with the money, I’m going to see if I can have my uvula (ie the dangly ball at the back of your throat that triggers your gag reflex) surgically removed because it’s an annoying bitch of a thing that really doesn’t serve much of a purpose in my world, apart from getting in the way.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m becoming incredibly jealous of Belladonna, because not only can she take a great length, but have you seen her stuff with Lex Steele? Oh. My. God. Like a machine gun.

However, during one playdate with Major (one after many, many months of absolute zip, hence my nerves were on shaky ground), I learned that gagging was the least of my worries. Being as stubborn as I am, my logic was ‘Screw my gag reflex- I’ll just get him to push my head down when I’m ready then bring me back up when it gets too much, then have him bring me back up.’ Well, it worked the first time and when I wasn’t struggling to breathe, it was actually kinda hot, having him grind against my tonsils like this. Damn, I could get used to this!

Alas however, I couldn’t stay there forever and had to come up to breathe. His cock was all spitty and for a split second, I felt like Shy Love, stroking his cock while lathering my tongue over the head lovingly, massaging his balls in between my fingers. Now THIS was a blowjob.

However, the second time I did it, it wasn’t so fantastic. I went down and it was all fine but then I really needed to come back up, because the spitty strings I’d left before…well, they tasted different now.

I reeled back in horror. There were chunks in that.

Major kindly wiped off the tiny-but-noticeable strings of vomit while I sunk into my dark pit of extreme embarrassment.

And the Lesson Here Kids Is…

While it ties with my first ever attempt at sucking cock as the worst blowjob I’ve ever given, it did teach me a few things:

• NEVER try to force yourself to deepthroat when you are nervous and have a full stomach. The two really don’t mix unless you want to recreate HAI2U.

• Practise really does make perfect. If you have a guy, whether he be a playmate or partner, I can guarantee that most red-blooded males won’t turn down a good round of having their cock sucked. Even moreso, I know many that’d be glad to help out someone who wants to hone their skills, hehe! However, if you’re like me ie single and currently lacking a somewhat desirable male playmate, slap on a copy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High and practise on anything handy- a trusty vibrator/dildo or any phallic object you can find. Honestly, it makes a world of difference come playtime!

Hope you all took away something from that, whether it be a laugh or even just some comfort in my awkward experiences, hehe!

xx MM